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Creative Ways to Quit the Razor

Creative Ways to Quit the Razor

Creative Ways to Quit the Razor

There are times in a man’s life when being a quitter is a good thing. Leaving a miserable job, for example. Ending a bad relationship. Or, most importantly, putting an end to the suppression of your natural bearded majesty. In short, quitting the razor.

And like any bad habit, when it comes to kicking the razor, the first question you have to ask yourself is: How are you going to do it?

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Cry havoc and let loose your war cry

Let the world know that you’ve destroyed your razor with an intense primal yell. If you’re in the bathroom, stare into the mirror for dramatic effect. Scream! Your friends, family, pets, and everyone else in the general vicinity needs to hear this message. Like the song says, “Shout, shout, let your beard out.” A razor is the thing you can do without.

Feel free to take this method out into the streets. Rise up, brothers!

Communal demolition

It’s always easier to embark upon a new journey with a group of friends. That’s why No-Shave November is so popular! A group effort makes the process easier while also giving it greater meaning.

So call up the brotherhood. Rally the troops. Scour your homes for razors. Raise those brutish blades to the sky in solidarity—then smash them to the ground. The razor’s reign has passed, and the age of the beard has begun.

A simple snap

This is a simple yet powerful form of destruction. Think Thanos, but with 100% effectiveness. Like children breaking branches across their knees—just place any disposable razor between your hands and brace for impact. The satisfying crack of its brittle handle will symbolize your transition into the realm of bearded champions.

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An intense monologue

Beneath the coarse grooves carved by a dull razor’s edge lies illumination. The revelation of a bearded man no longer subjected to daily mutilation.

“I am the shield that guards the realms of men from the scourge of shaving. I am the new face of triumph. I reign supreme. I am the beard, and the beard is I. I despise you, razor, for you are my enemy personified.”

You may proceed to demolish your razor as you see fit as a flourish following your lofty diatribe.

The angry trash can

Do not go gentle into that bearded night. After you’ve snapped your razor, it’s time to show it where it belongs and where it will stay: The trash. Throw that thing with all the power you can muster, deep into the garbage. Kick it in like a winning field goal. Let the blades sleep in their eternal slumber.

Over-the-top total destruction

Why stop with a simple snap? Summon your hammers, your saws, your fire. Don’t simply break your razor; annihilate it. Render it unto oblivion. Burn the handles down to ash. Vaporize the ashes into atoms. Melt the sharp edges of the razor into a molten mess. Take a battle axe to the handle. Blast it off the planet in the next SpaceX rocket launch.

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Make a pagan sacrifice

Gather your closest acolytes, and don’t forget to bring some hooded robes. Draw forbidden symbol in salt and get to work. The sacrifice of this beard destroyer will not go down without a mighty battle on the spiritual plane. Call upon a higher bearded power. Invoke the blade’s annihilation, drawing upon the wisdom of a bygone age to guide your journey.

Well, maybe not. But honestly, it doesn’t matter how you destroy your razor. Just make sure it never comes back.

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