What is Beard Envy?

There’s a certain  phenomenon out there that you may have come across.You most likely have been on the receiving end of it. There could have even been a time that you held it yourself. We call it Beard Envy.

The occurrence happens in a few different types of situations. All types of people are subject to envy of the beard. It isn’t even limited to males either. We’re going to look at what constitutes beard envy, where and when you may see it and who it affects.

Proponents of Beard Envy

As a beardless man, your conversations with friends and other male associates are pretty standard. If you’ve got any kind of beard grown out past a month, is when you run into new paradigms of conversation. “Woah man, the beard’s getting pretty long… That Beard…” or something of that variety are the first signs of envy.

Your beard envy radar should start going off when the talk takes a turn to your facial forest. You’ll find that a lot of your conversations are centered around your beard, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. Sometimes it can get annoying, but use it to your advantage in certain situations.


There will be groups of guys who can’t grow a beard to save their life. They’d do well to try some growth vitamins and fill in those patchy spots. That’ll be one of their first excuses for not growing a beard. Hopefully they stay envious and not jealous. You’ll also run into guys who’ve always wanted to grow their beards but can’t for one excuse or another. Sometimes it’ll be their job, girlfriends or other irrelevant excuse.

Bearded brothers can expect a variety of situations to happen to them differently now.

Boundary Defying Epidemic

Did you think that beard envy only affects the uninitiated? Men with small beards beware, the envy is real.

Look into the mirror: oh yeah all of that scruff is flowing perfectly. Man, you don’t think anyone has a bigger beard than yours. You’ve got hairs of different colors, curls and waves a plenty, just a second and that beard’ll be ready.

You go about your day like any other, your beardless friends compliment your beard as usual. A cashier at the store comments that they like your beard. Beard envy, it’s everywhere you go. Everywhere.

You don’t know what it feels like until it hits you. Down the aisle, in traffic, at the bar, somewhere or someplace you’ll see it. A beard larger, thicker or more well kept than your own. Damnit. That’s how fast beard envy can strike, it’s an involuntary response.

Ladies’ Beard Envy

Guy’s you may have heard a strange but all too common comment from many different women, “I wish I could grow a beard.” Uhh… okay. Now what exactly do they mean here? Stop yourself before you picture them with your own mane on their face.


A lot of women like beards for a bunch of reasons. If you’re an interesting guy in general, then a beard can only help you. Even women that aren’t too keen on the beard will come around. Hate to throw around a cliche, but.. it’s just science. 

We haven’t even mentioned young kids looking up to your bearded face, wondering and wishing for the day they can grow their own beard. Beard Envy is all around us, in our homes, our hearts and even in our beards.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s