Deep within primeval forests the beards of men stirred and grew wild. Before our enlightened view of ourselves through self-reflection, our beards went unquestioned. Hunters would look into shallow pools of water to see their scruffy hair-filled faces looking back.
No distinction was made of man without his beard. Before there was symbolic representation in the form of words and social conventions, the beard existed in its most natural sacred form. It was only the years past time immemorial that beards came to be known as something separate from man. Thus grew the many social institutions beards clung to.
From before the archaeological record and beyond, our pagan human religions have housed mighty God-men with undeniable bearded locks. The entire pantheon of Graeco-Roman gods from the likes of Zeus to Saturn wore nature’s greatest gift. The archaic religions of early mankind were intrinsically tied to beards. Facial hair was represented in all areas of the world.
Our wandering all-father Odin was the prototypical wizard we see in modern-day fantasy. Those that chose to worship these many gods wore their beards in mimicking fashion to become like them. “Beardliness is next to Godliness,” a peasant from yore once spoke. As our collective religious conscious shifted to monotheistic Abrahamic religions such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam; the beard still maintained its relevancy.
Through the years, sects of these religions have donned their facial hair to distinguish themselves from “unbelievers” neighboring tribes and nations. Their mightiest figures and prophets all shared the same important trait. The beard takes many forms throughout religious history. Its one constant is growth. It will not be displaced. Under any auspice of religious worship lies the truth. The beard is constant.
Our American constituents will be proud to know that the founding of the United States and subsequent schism to preserve equality for all, was a major victory in bearded history. Our revolutionary founding fathers had a tricky relationship with beards as they still harbored some old cultural baggage from their English counterparts.
It wasn’t until the shining political representation of Abraham Lincoln that beards were brought to the forefront of policy. Following the Lincoln years came generations of bearded presidents. It was a time of reconstruction, and it didn’t stop until the early 1900s.
Mustachioed men ended the legacy of facial hair in this presidential line. It truly is a shame that we lack any modern, bearded representation. Americans can only dream of their current crop of representatives slowly being replaced by beard aficionados. Until that day comes, we wait for a new order.
Who is to be our new savior? For years, our beards lay scattered in distress without anyone to rally behind. Maybe religion wasn’t your trip, and you’re just an individual keen on your beard defining your individuality. Perhaps you were compelled to grow by the current cultural revival of facial hair.
Our reasons and the paths that led us to the beardhood are varied. Somewhere in the collective mind-scape of bearded men came an idea, no… a calling. A calling to bring our new cohorts of evolutionary strength and superiority into one cohesive group. A brotherhood meant to honor the ancestral heritage of man. The Beard Club was borne out of this calling to groom us for something greater.
Our new revival offers every man the privilege to reclaim his natural equilibrium. Enter into the fold brother. This is man’s new home.